The creation of the Couch Potato

The creation of the Couch Potato 

In the beginning there was nothing but a television set with 999 channels, a giant couch and a young man named Jacob. Every Saturday morning Jacob would awaken from his slumber and exit his chamber.  He would continue going about his morning routine of brushing his teeth and turning the heat lamp on for his pet python named Rex. After the simple yet incredibly labor intensive morning routine, Jacob would become exceedingly tired, hungry and thirsty. Jacobs’s stomach would rumble and growl enough to make a pack of hungry wolves jealous. His throat would be so parched as to make a desert look like a tropical paradise. He needed food and something to drink fast.

Jacob decided to take the parlous journey to the refrigerator.  He descended down the exceptionally long set of stairs and continued his journey across the seemingly endless hardwood floors of his living room. Finally, Jacob had reached the refrigerator. As the refrigerator door opened Jacob was blinded by an extraordinary bright light. His eyes adjusted and feasted upon the endless selection of thirst quenching beverages. The decision of what beverage to select seemed impossible to make. After what seemed to be an eternity the decision of what to drink was made and the door to the refrigerator closed. 

Although Jacobs thirst had subsided his hunger had not.

Jacob looked upon the journey in front of him with astonishment. What seemed like hundreds upon hundreds of inches had to be navigated in order to reach the pantry. He had his doubts but in the end he knew what had to be done. The perilous voyage to the pantry began. Jacob traversed the endless hardwood floors yet again but, this time he held what was left of his beverage in his hand. Finally, after several excruciating seconds Jacob had reached his final stop before he could rest upon the soft, warm, inviting couch across the room. The cupboard held a colossal amount of luscious food to choose from. Jacob knew precisely what he wanted. Cheddar cheese and sour cream, artificially flavored, naturally baked potato crisps was the perfect selection. With beverage and potato chips in hand Jacobs’s final expedition was before him.

The final walk to the couch was by far the most challenging for Jacob. Not, physically challenging but mentally challenging. In order to reach the couch Jacob had to back track, covering hardwood floors that he already had crossed before. This always seemed like a wasted effort to Jacob. The mental preparation was intense, involving sitting down on the bench next to him, closing his eyes, and carefully calculating each step in order to insure the shortest distance and least effort. With his mental preparation completed Jacob began his walk. Each step was precise, calculated, and with much effort. He seemed to glide across the hardwood floors, like a dark lord in Stars Wars; the force was strong with Jacob.

At last, after so much mental preparation, physical fatigue, and hundreds of seconds, Jacob had reached his final destination, the couch. He sat down setting his beverage and Cheddar cheese and sour cream, artificially flavored, naturally baked potato crisps on the end table next to him. He placed a saucer under his beverage to insure the safety of no ring. This simple act was sure to please his mother. Then he picked up the remote and turned the television on. The couch was everything Jacob expected, warm, soft, comforting, and so relaxing. The couch seemed to form a glove around Jacobs’s body holding him closely as if never to let go.

 Jacob sat and sat and sat not caring what orb he was in. Jacob’s eyes were transfixed on the endless programs he flipped between. His body sank deeper and deeper into the crevices of the couch. The folds held a reservoir of past nourishment. Jacob sank into a transcendental vegetative state. The only sign of life were the continuous averting eyes. The remote became an extension of Jacob’s appendage. Nothing could move the mound which formed as one with the couch. This classic Saturday poise became ever known as the couch potato.

 

                                                            Jacob Rammage

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